she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
