captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
