I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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