My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
