she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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