I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
