i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
