who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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