I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
