its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
