Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
