my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize