dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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