My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
