peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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