Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
