On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
