11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
