I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
