Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You are the jesus of drinking
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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