i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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