i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
