You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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