I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
