filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
