phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What happened to fro yo and sex?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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