who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize