that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
