i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
