from now on my penis is your penis
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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