Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
