Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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