If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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