I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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