I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
