just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
