I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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