what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
