your parents love me but you hate me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
