Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
