I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize