oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
