i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
