I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
