I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
