Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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