I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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