Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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