Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
