I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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