Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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