in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize