I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
