Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
