i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
