you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
