im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
