Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
