Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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