So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
