I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
