I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
