I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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