I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
