I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
