Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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